The Revenant

I am the dog you put to sleep,
as you like to call the needle of oblivion,
come back to tell you this simple thing:
I never liked you—not one bit.

When I licked your face,
I thought of biting off your nose.
When I watched you toweling yourself dry,
I wanted to leap and unman you with a snap.

I resented the way you moved,
your lack of animal grace,
the way you would sit in a chair to eat,
a napkin on your lap, knife in your hand.

I would have run away,
but I was too weak, a trick you taught me
while I was learning to sit and heel,
and—greatest of insults—shake hands without a hand.

I admit the sight of the leash
would excite me
but only because it meant I was about
to smell things you had never touched.

You do not want to believe this,
but I have no reason to lie.
I hated the car, the rubber toys,
disliked your friends and, worse, your relatives.

The jingling of my tags drove me mad.
You always scratched me in the wrong place.
All I ever wanted from you
was food and fresh water in my metal bowls.

While you slept, I watched you breathe
as the moon rose in the sky.
It took all of my strength
not to raise my head and howl.

Now I am free of the collar,
the yellow raincoat, monogrammed sweater,
the absurdity of your lawn,
and that is all you need to know about this place

except what you already supposed
and are glad it did not happen sooner—

that everyone here can read and write,
the dogs in poetry, the cats and the others in prose.

-billy collins

can i put this here?

'cause i'm bored. and i'm going to.

Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out?
we already are.

Have any stalkers?
not that i know of. maybe i should glance behind more often.

If the person you are dating said they were in love with you, what would you say?
i love you too? i say it every day.

Last time you held hands with someone?
sunday

Do you believe your ex thinks about you?
i don’t know, nor do i care.

Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing?
it’s red. and it was free. and it’s too large.

Whats currently bothering you right now?
i wore shoes i shouldn’t have to teach today and my feet are gross and killing me.

What are you currently hearing?
american idol. crappy reality TV, you are my drug.

When were you last outside?
around 5 when i came home from work.

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
“zoe, quit effing barking so i can sleep for another hour.”

Are you afraid of the dark?
if i’m somewhere creepy. or feel as though i might trip on something. or run into someone.

Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?
i’m still slightly frustrated when i think about a few students i had today.

Who did you last say I love you to?
danny.

Who was the last person you had a phone conversation with for more than 2 minutes?
danny.

When is your birthday?
february 18

What is your full name?
caitlin joan

Do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
depends on my stress level…and booze level. ha.

Did you speak to your father today?
yes

How did you wake up this morning?
alarm.

What were you doing at 7am?
drinking coffee, finishing up getting ready for work

Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?
exhaustion

Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
yes

Are you wearing shorts?
yes

Ever had a girl best friend?
yes

Do you still draw with sidewalk chalk?
no, i always hated that stuff. it makes your hands so dusty.

Were you happy when you woke up?
no, i was annoyed.

If you could seek revenge on someone, would you?
i don’t have anyone i’m seeking revenge on.

Last argument?
uhhh, probably with my mom

Last beverage?
water

Do you have a brother?
yes

Do you do your own laundry?
…i’m too old for this survey. yes.

Do you like to cuddle?
sometimes. sometimes, it’s time to sleep.

Have you ever kissed someone who smokes?
yes

Do you cry easily?
unfortunately.

Are you excited for anything?
this weekend is looking pretty nice.

How are you feeling right now?
sleeeeepy.

When somebody tells you they’re going to have a shower. Do you automatically picture them naked?
no. awkward.

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
no. wtf. what a waste of minutes.

Have you hugged or kissed anyone lately?
yes

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
not sure yet, still waiting on a job for tomorrow

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
no. i don’t do needles. or super visible piercings.

Are you comfortable with your height?
i’m average.

Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
yes. lame.

Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?
he means everything.

When was the last time you had ice cream?
tonight!

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
yes.

Where is your biological father right now?
in the study.

Do you have any freckles?
everywhere. pale girl freckles.

Do you like orange juice?
sometimes. i prefer apple.

Who did you last eat at a sit-down restaurant with?
danny

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
three, two are family

If you could go back in time and avoid ever meeting your ex would you?
sometimes i think i’d like to, but i’m not sure i’d be where i am now if i hadn’t met him

Are relationships even worth it?
if you’re in them for the right reasons.

Think back five months ago, were you single?
no.

Are you wearing a ring from the opposite sex?
does my class ring count as being from william powers?

How many “promise rings” have been given to you?
lame

Are you happy with the way things are going?
most things. job situation could get better.

Do you have a cell-phone?
hyphenated, what? yes.

Do you use chap stick?
always

Who do you have texts from in your inbox?
a ton of people. phone doesn’t delete texts.

If you got pregnant by the last person you kissed what would happen?
nooot going to happen any time soon.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
no.

Would you rather lose your best friend or the last person you kissed?
they’re the same person.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
gross. actually, i probably have gone to class looking more ragged.

Can you honestly say you’re happy right now?
yes.

What are you thinking of right now?
tomorrow

Do you straighten your hair often?
daily. but my straightener broke this weekend. fail.

What will you be doing tomorrow?
working, if i can pick up a job. otherwise, job hunting.

Are you currently mad at someone?
annoyed/disappointed, but not mad.

Would you consider yourself a caring person?
too caring.

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
is this a brandy song?

Talk to any of your exes still?
not any from college.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
depends on the grievance, i guess, but i usually give them, regardless of whether they deserve it.

Ever dated two people at once?
no.

Do you want to get married?
yes.

Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
not really. it’s all irrelevant now.

Ever stolen someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
no.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
awkward.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
the schnauz.

How’s your heart lately?
full.

Was last night enjoyable for you?
it was pretty dull.

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings?
sometimes, especially if i’m tired.

Whats your hair like at the moment?
messy ponytail.

What people do you talk to the most?
the ones that matter.

because i love you)last night

clothed in sealace
appeared to me
your mind drifting
with chuckling rubbish
of pearl weed coral and stones;

lifted,and(before my
eyes sinking)inward,fled;softly
your face smile breasts gargled
by death:drowned only

again carefully through deepness to rise
these your wrists
thighs feet hands

poising
to again utterly disappear;
rushing gently swiftly creeping
through my dreams last
night,all of your
body with its spirit floated
(clothed only in

the tide’s acute weaving murmur

-ee cummings